Speaker, author, commentator and host of Relatable, Allie Beth Stuckey satirically depicts a new 2020 campaign ad for the Democratic Party.
Transcript
Hi I’m the spokesperson for the Democratic Party and I got to tell you why you need to vote Blue this November. You know us as the party of love, tolerance and compassion, but, we’re much more than that. We’re the party of science and the science is clear. Men have periods. Babies are clumps of cells until they’re born, and maybe a few minutes after. Vaccines save lives, unless their developed while Trump is President, and voting for us will end hurricanes, wildfires and tornadoes. As our nation reels for the pandemic with at least a 98% survival rate, we need a party understands that riots, liquor stores, and abortion clinics are immune to the virus, while schools are dangerous and must be shut down. It’s for your safety. Democrats stand for justice. That means we’ll ruin a man’s life based on no evidence, because we believe all women, unless your name is Tara Reade. As fighters for justice, we have a winning message from our activists base: abolish the police and the prison systems. At the some time, we’ll push to take away your guns and eliminate single-family housing zones.
It’ll be fine.
Our commitment to justice also means we’ll stand by as the lives, businesses, and property of people who did nothing wrong are destroyed. That’s because we believe Black Lives Matter. Trump is a racist. He just is. And even though he’s explicitly condemned white supremacy multiple times, it’s not enough and it never will be. Come to think of it, he hasn’t been quite clear enough on his stances on cannibalism, pushing people in front of moving trains, or Ted Bundy. either. It really makes me wonder.
In Joe Biden, we have a champion for the by BIPOC, primarily by authoring a bill that sent thousands of them to prison. And most recently, he compassionately pointed out that all black people think the same way and if you don’t vote for him “you ain’t black.” He’s right, of course. The only real black people are the ones who agree with us on everything, and those who don’t, well, we have every right to belittle and demean them. That’s what we call anti-racism. Democrats are the party of the poor, the marginalized, people of color, as is reflected in her leadership it her parties biggest donors. Y hablamos español.
One thing Democrats are best at is exciting our base. We do this by coming up with stories we know will make you angry, and then dropping them entirely without corrections when they get old. Like accusing Kavanaugh of gang rape or Trump of stealing mail boxes. That was fun.
Trump is a scary, evil dictator, so scary that absolutely no one is afraid to criticize him, lie about him, openly wish death upon him, or call him a clown in a live debate. That’s why he believes he won’t concede in November. Sure, it’s been 4 years and we still haven’t accepted the results of the last election, but that’s because, Reasons.
The GOP will do anything to stay in power. Democratic are just trying to preserve our democracy by packing the courts, abolishing the Electoral College, and reconfiguring the Senate. We go back and forth between believing Trump is a conniving genius or a bumbling buffoon, but one thing is clear: he is not mentally fit to be president.
Our candidate is sharp, and not at all in cognitive decline. I mean, who really knows what the Declaration of Independence says anyway? And who are you to say Corn Pop isn’t real? The choice is clear. And, once again, we’re confident that through censorship, manipulation, bullying, and maybe a little ballot harvesting, we’ll get our way. Why? Because we care about you. So much so that we’re willing to wear you down until you fear getting silenced, doxed, fired, or ruined if you don’t agree with our agenda. That’s Love.
I’m the spokesperson for the Democratic party Vote for us in November.
Transcript
Hi, I’m a spokesperson for the Democratic party and I’m here to tell you why you need to vote blue this November. Democrats are the party of love and tolerance. We promote inclusion and acceptance, peace and goodwill. Republicans don’t care about any of these things. They just want to talk about record unemployment, the economy, keeping communities safe. Fascists. Democrats have positive practical priorities, like abolishing the Electoral College, eliminating due process, and banning hate speech. These are the values of the American people. Well, at least Americans that live in San Francisco and New York.
Republicans often use fear-mongering rhetoric like Constitution or Liberty. Democrats condemn such language is decisive and instead focus on more unifying topics like repealing the 2nd Amendment or kneeling for the national anthem. Democrats are the party of equality, so much so that we insisted upon unconditional believing women and disbelieving men because, well, feminism. If you ask us to explain this logically we will scream in your face and call you a misogynistic.
Republicans want to take away a woman’s sacred right to choose to have her child decapitated inside the womb and tore it apart limb by limb with forceps. Democrats celebrate the right to violently murder your child because we’re compassionate. Democrats believe that women are powerful and independent, there are also helpless victims of the patriarchy who require government intervention to succeed. Any woman who disagrees with us on this is a self-hating, stupid, bimbo.
And you know, its time that someone was finally brave enough to say this. Republican’s are racist. Democrats have the same positive message for minorities that we have four women, you’re a victim, and you’re useful to us. If you disagree will insult your intelligence, but it’s for your own good.
Republicans want to stop certain people from coming into this country. They cite the infiltration of gang violence or opioids or sex trafficking is reasons to stop illegal immigration. But Democrats accept these as the natural consequences of opening up the borders, which of course is the more loving thing to do.
Democrats recognize that the key to a better tomorrow to look forward not backward. That’s why we reject capitalism and all of it’s greed and instead opt for socialism which has worked so well every time it’s been tried. Democrats are the party of the common people (Jay-Z and Beyoncé) the poor (Mark Zuckerberg) and the marginalized (Barbra Streisand) the weak (Stephen Colbert) and defenseless (Meryl Streep). While Republicans promise freedom, we promise free stuff. That’s how we win over young people. Our goal is to make the government work for you, so you don’t have to work at all.
Republicans are always pushing religion in our faces. We reject their bigotry. Religious people are idiots. Democrats would much rather you sacrifice yourself on the altar of progressivism. The truth is, as the party of empathy, we’re just better than everyone else. That’s why we spend so much time telling people who don’t align with our agenda that they’re not just wrong, but that they’re bad people. We still haven’t figured out this condescension is what lost us for 2006 election. Nevertheless were confident that through censorship, emotional manipulation, and continued bullying that we will eventually get our way. Why? Because we care about you, so much so that we’re willing to wear you down until you fear getting silence, doxed, or fired, because you don’t agree with our agenda. I’m the spokesperson for the Democratic party. Vote for us in November.
About Allie Beth Stuckey
Allie Beth Stuckey is a speaker, author, commentator and the host of the BlazeTV podcast, Relatable, where she analyzes culture, news, theology and politics from a Christian, conservative perspective. She also often satirizes politicians, the media and trends in popular culture. On this channel, you’ll find her podcast, satire skits, as well as some of her speeches and media interviews.
